Who Told You That You Were A Man?

In the last several years, men have had a hard time getting any respect in our society. Even good men. Granted, there's been some pretty strong reasons for this. Namely a combination of men who abandon their women, families, and responsibilities for "freedom" and those in leadership positions who abuse their power for personal gain- sexual or otherwise. It happens just about everywhere you can imagine: political gatherings, boardrooms, movie studios, classrooms, living rooms, churches, and every conceivable place where people gather. 

Women are rightfully fed up with it all, and they have most often have pushed to remove many men (including those not involved in abusive activities) from these positions rather than choosing to challenge and invest in making males better people. Replacing men with women is not the answer. Both genders and people from all cultures and backgrounds are prone to selfishness, hate, greed, abandonment, and predatory natures. 

Although what I'm going to share today is not new, I am challenged by the material. The work will be yours and God’s to figure out how to step forward into wholeness. It's a process I plan to be in the middle of until the day I die.

"You can't measure manhood with a tape line around his biceps." Evangelist Billy Sunday

We Are Left Confused.

As men, we are robbed by valid images of manhood and transition to manhood by absentee men- unavailable fathers : Abusive or silent or emotionally detached, broken homes, consumed by career, etc. 

We are also robbed by the deterioration of an extended family. There's a glaring lack of uncles, grandfathers, older brothers and other kinds of men that would be mentors. No, the answer isn't to replace men with women. That's a mistake. It's for men to take their proper place by investing in their families, communities, the places they live, work, and serve.

Dude looks like a lady. 

Distorted ideas of Real Men. 

The media is still trying desperately to change the definition of a man. 

Both in Reel and in Real life. We've got the bumbling dad who knows nothing. This seemed to be started in our generation by the television show “Home Improvement”. Then add in the nontraditional families in our society, including gang life. Thankfully, there's some pushback to the feminized version of men... and there's pushback to the "toxic male" stereotype as well. 

On the other end, we have the "Superstar Men", athletes, rock stars, business moguls, that present a very small percentage of men but are portrayed as something we all must aspire to. Equally ugly and unattainable. Unless you are constantly focused on what a real man is as defined by Our Creator, you will constantly be left feeling inadequate and maybe even unmotivated to stay the course.

Lack of Cultural Traditions.

In the modernized Western world, we have all but removed any sense of ceremony or task completion to mark the transition of a child to a man.  That does not mean it is no longer important.

I say begin your own! In our family, on the 13th birthday of each of our children (we had 2 boys and 2 girls), we gathered with significant people in their lives of the same gender, allowing them to speak encouraging words to them, challenge them, and then in the Christian tradition, pray over them.  

So, I have some questions for you to consider:

• When Did You Realize You Were A Man?
• What Steps Seemed Most Significant in your Quest for Manhood?
• Who Told You That You Were A Man?

Are our wives, children, and friends asking the same questions about us? They might be.

We might be asking ourselves (a I have often)- "Have I created a hole so deep by just surviving that I'm afraid to take those drastic steps toward health? 

Proverbs 23:7 says,  "For as he thinketh within himself, so is he."  (American Standard Version)

We can't be all God has for us without allowing Him to continue his work in us. He has to change us- and when He changes us, it is always for the good. Why? God Himself is the definition of what is good. 

Where We Can Get Stuck                                                          

“In secure possession of their gender identity, the great majority of men moved from the chest, as it were, out of hearts freed from the Legalisms of Childhood,  the Narcissisms of Adolescence, or the Perfectionisms of an Adulthood spent futilely seeking self acceptance (or even the affirmation of parents).”
Leeann Payne, Crisis in Masculinity;  page 13

Question:  Let’s look at these and see if we find ourselves here in one spot or in many…Again, from Leeann Payne:

 “Legalisms of Childhood”

This may be best represented by Pharisees- the other end from Hedonism. Telling others what to do and how to do it- setting themselves up as an example. There's a list of Do’s and Don’ts, Shoulds and Shouldn’ts. It is performance driven and oriented. “Fair” is a big deal, “The Way Things Should Be”. With this, our lives are under expectations, judgments, and curses. Those who follow this way of living tend to do the same to others. Roles are important, so relationships may be difficult. All this may tend toward a joyless life

Galatians 3:3
"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?"  (NIV)

“Narcissisms of Adolescence ”

This may be best represented by Samson. He was a slave to passion with a lack of self-control and a huge ego.  He was under a Nazarite vow to control the carnal nature but indulged it with his relationships with Philistine women. And it led to disaster. Every time we follow our sexual lusts, we are headed for disaster. It's all about my needs and wants, my time, my interests, my hobbies- “It’s All About Me”, “What’s in it for me?” Because of this mindset, men in this direction tend to reject structures and standards that benefit the common good. No one wins.  Commitment may be a one way street; Relationships are probably many but may be shallow. This man fears growing up and taking responsibility.  May tend toward living life through his children. He's probably ver vulnerable to addictions.

Ephesians 4:22-24
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."  (NIV)

“Perfectionisms of Adulthood ”

The strive to be perfect is a trap as well! This may be best represented by King Saul, the Apostle Peter, and the Pharisees. There's a  high need to prove authority and position. Image and control are very important. This man will use words and actions to manipulate people to get what he wants. He's performance oriented and passes it on to others, making him an easy target for “secret sin”.

Philippians 2:2-4
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (NIV)

"The Narcissisms of Adolescence"

These guys make fear based decisions and actions (or lack of action!).
It's mostly self-focused. Very difficult to think of or bless others. They can be emotionally inattentive to primary relationships. This man has difficulty focusing on God’s hand of blessing in their lives. He may often compensate for something lost or something never gained. For those of us married, we can turn “true godly leadership through servanthhood” over to our wives, leaving them burdened, confused and hurting. Those of us with children can leave them confused, too.

Ultimately, there's confusion about who we are as men. We have good intentions and can try to live lives that please God, but the truth is, we cannot fully bless others until we see how God has blessed us!  

 Jesus as Our Model of Manhood

He dealt with the same temptations as us (Hebrews 4:15). He took significant steps to Manhood.  For Jesus, this probably first happened at 12 years old when he went with his parents to Jerusalem at Passover and was later found in the temple. (Luke 2:41-52) There was verbal affirmation from other men (vs. 47). His parents saw him with “new eyes” (vs. 48). There was a process of growth and change (vs. 52). 

Just look at what happened at his baptism-  Matthew 3:13-17
"Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John. But John tried to deter him, saying, "I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?" Jesus replied, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness." Then John consented. As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."

Jesus took ownership of what was right (vs. 15). He was affirmed by the Father. 

Jesus was tempted! Let's look at Matthew 4:1-11:
 
"Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil.  After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: 

"'He will command his angels concerning you, 
and they will lift you up in their hands, 
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'" 

Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'" 

Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me." 

Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'" 

Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him."   (NIV)  

Notice twice Satan says “If you are the Son of God…” questioning his identity in the Father. When Jesus doesn’t cave in, Satan offers him all the world has in exchange for His True Identity

Our Sonship, Our Manhood, Our Identity

Galatians 3:26-29
"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.  There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise." 

The same experience as with Jesus will happen to us if we choose to live in the freedom and fullness we have in Jesus, if we follow God's ways as outlined in the Bible. We will be questioned by others our identity in Christ as sons of God. And we will sometimes question ourselves about our identity in Christ. Our enemy, Satan, through the ways of the world, will offer whatever he can in exchange for our Manhood, our True Identity! His offers will become available to us as we make choices along the way toward whatever we place before God, thereby setting our hearts up for deceit. It would be easy to stop here and ask the questions such as “What have we exchanged for our True Manhood, Our Godly Identity in Jesus?” But we know in all things, God's Word is true and His ways are best! 

"So be strong, show yourself a man, and observe what the LORD your God requires: Walk in his ways, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go…" ( I Kings 2:1-3)

Bathroom Humor

Potty talk! Well, in this case, signs that help direct those needing to use the facilities. With all the debate on public restroom use and who can go where, I thought it was time for some humor.

These were sent by a friend. I did not post the ones that were pretty off color- you can find those on your own. :)

It's time we all laugh a bit, isn't it?

Boys Will Be Boys

And then, they will be men. Fine men. Does a father's heart good!

(Photograph copyright Marisa Bryant Photography.)

Perfect Abs Among the Scars

Perfect abs. What guy doesn't want them? I certainly do, but I can't. Is it laziness? No. Is it lack of results regardless of how hard I work? No. Eating the wrong foods? Well, even though that's true, it's not the reason. Due to some botched surgery years ago when I was a child, I have a very deep, long, and ugly scar- and not even close to a straight line at that- just underneath my belly button, leaving lumps when it would have been smooth. It's a scar that I really hate. It always reminds me of being less than perfect, a somewhat embarrassing mark on a less than perfect man, less than perfect life. 

I guess its also a sign of survival. We all have scars. Some are obvious for the world to see. Some are hidden. Some are not even physical but emotional or mental. I have those, too. But I am encouraged! I've been reading through the Gospel of Mark. Reading how Jesus came and healed. Jesus healed the woman who had been bleeding for twelve years. Doctors couldn't help her, and she'd spent all her money. In just touching the hem of his clothes, she was healed in an instant- and she knew it.

When he asks the crowd, "Who touched my clothes?", the woman came to him, admitting it was her. I love his response to the poor, frightened, woman who had encountered the One True God in the flesh: "Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." What a wonderful, merciful, God who sent His Son not just to pay the price for our sins but also to give us peace and free us from our suffering! 

Most people who encountered Jesus and were healed went on to tell many people about Him and about the glories of a God who is personal, powerful, and active. And I guess that includes me as well. His love has covered over my sin, given me forgiveness,  hope, a future, and brought healing to the wounds and sin of others against me in my life! 

On a good day, my scars now remind me of what I have survived- both those easy to see scars and those stamped on my heart and mind. They remind me of His goodness, His mercy, His love, in a world gone crazy. How can I not tell others about Him with joy?

Male Ambiguity 3

Continuing on with our discussion of Male Ambiguity...

There is an incredible plan for each of us. Our unique personality, likes and dislikes, strengths, weaknesses and skills and talents are not happenstance. We are all different for a reason! That's a great thing- what a boring world it would be should we all be the same!

That said, we cannot be all that our Creator has designed us for if we fight Him and remain in unhealthy places in our lives. Have we created a hole so deep by "just surviving" that we are afraid to take steps to health?

"For as he thinketh within himself, so is he" (Proverbs 23: 7, American Standard Version)

Where can we get stuck? Author Leeann Payne writes, “In secure possession of their gender identity, the great majority of men moved from the chest, as it were, out of hearts freed from the Legalisms of Childhood, the Narcissisms of Adolescence, or the Perfectionisms of an Adulthood spent futilely seeking self acceptance (or even the affirmation of parents).”
Crisis in Masculinity; page 13

Question: Let’s look at these and see if we find ourselves here in one spot or in many…

“Legalisms of Childhood”

This may be best represented by folks who tell others what to do and how to do it- but don't follow their own advice, setting themselves up as an example. They live unrestrained lives, taking actions which immediately or eventually inflict pain on others or use them for their own pleasure or purposes. Everything is about them and what they want. As adults, we know real community and true love requires sacrifice and looking out for the needs of others first.

For those stuck in this childish mode, there can be an unspoken list of Do’s and Don’ts, Shoulds and Shouldn’ts. Maybe its is being Performance Driven and Oriented; the ends justifies the means. Success at all costs. “Fair” is a big deal, “The Way Things Should Be”. These folks stuck here can live their lives under expectations, judgments, and curses- and they tend to do the same to others, especially when they do not get what they want. Roles are important, so relationships may be difficult, and status means quite a bit to them. You might see them tend toward a joyless life.

“Narcissisms of Adolescence ”

May be best represented by those folks who are a slave to their passions. Characterized by a lack of self-control and a huge ego or a deeply wounded one. These kind of guys cannot control the carnal nature but instead indulge it with abandon, to the detriment of the truly important relationships they do have, risking health, career, and maturity. Very vulnerable to addictions- overeater, being a workaholic, alcoholic, sex addict. My needs and wants, my time, my interests, my hobbies- “It’s All About Me”, “What’s in it for me?” The common good is unimportant, so commitment may be a one way street. Relationships are probably many but may be shallow. I can fall into this one: he fears growing up and taking responsibility. If he is a parent, he could be living life through his children.

God wants to bless the people He loves with freedom and joy- and his patterns for life are guidelines which bring safety and blessing and personal fulfillment that is deep and lasting. Then, and only then, do our lives bring Him honor- and our soul is at rest. The great Apostle Paul writes, "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:22-24

“Perfectionisms of Adulthood ”

For guys stuck here, there is a high need to prove authority and position. Image and control are very important. He'll use words and actions to manipulate. Having to look and be perfect, he is an easy target for a “secret life” where his addictions and actions that would disqualify him and ruin his image can take root and grow. Without friends for real support and honesty, he is lost in patterns which will destroy his life.

It's not just the "big" areas that can create problems here. I know men who couldn't tell the truth, men with uncontrollable tempers, men who stole small items at work, or others who couldn't control their need to look like the nice guy to everyone. Each experienced devastating consequences as something that didn't seem so significant finally became more important to them than what they really wanted in life. Most importantly, thet lost self-respect as well as losing sight of who they were. Patterns were set in place that couldn't be easily removed and without help.

What are some common characteristics in all these three stages and descriptions?

• Fear Based Decisions and Actions (or lack of action)
• Self-focused- difficult to think of or support others
• Can be emotionally inattentive to primary relationships
• Has difficulty focusing on God’s hand of blessing in their lives
• Compensates for something lost or something never gained
• For those of us married, we can turn responsibility over to our wives, leaving them burdened, confused and hurting
• Those of us with children can leave them confused, too.

Ultimately, we can be confused about who we really are as men, and instead, live a life full of good intentions without ever doing anything with them! Very disappointing and unfulfilling.

In an age where the world needs heroes, and we as men are looking at others by which we can model our lives, let's take a look at Jesus Christ as our model of manhood. Even if you are not a Christian, there are many things you can learn by examining the life of this extraordinary person.

The Bible says He dealt with the same temptations as us (Hebrews 4:15), so in this regard, his life on earth was no different than ours. This means ALL temptations- insert your own favorite struggle here. Jesus chose to be baptized by John, who was confused why the Son of God would want a baptism of repentance.

"Jesus replied, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness." Then John consented. He took ownership of what was right, and He chose to live his life in a way that would be a blessing to others.

He was tempted with all things. Look at this passage in the Book of Matthew, Chapter 4:
1 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. 2 After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread."

4 Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"

5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written:

"'He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'"

7 Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"

8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9 "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."

10 Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'"

11 Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

Notice that twice Satan says “If you are the Son of God…” questioning his identity in the Father. When Jesus doesn’t cave in, Satan offers him all the world has in exchange for His true identity. There is nothing that evil men like more than when we lose sight of who we really are and trade it in for short term pleasures and pursuits. We are designed to make a positive difference in our world, but we can throw it all away so easily.

Jesus could have tossed it all away, but instead chose to make the ultimate sacrifice, choosing to die on the cross for the sins of all men for all time. Was there ever a bigger or more difficult mission than that? He is the Hero of all time, a worthy role model for those of us who want to be more than we are and to make our world a better place.

Now, for those of us who are trying to follow Jesus, Paul again has encouraging words regarding Our Sonship, Our Manhood, Our Identity. In Galatians 3:26-28, he writes, "You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

Be warned: When we choose to live differently, we will be challenged, even attacked for the choice. The Same Experience as with Jesus will happen to us: We will be questioned by others our identity (And we will sometimes question ourselves about our identity in Christ). Through the ways of the world, we will be offered whatever appeals to us in exchange for our Manhood, our True Identity! These offers will become available to us as we make choices along the way toward whatever we place before God, thereby setting our hearts up for deceit.

Let me ask you a question, "What have we exchanged for our True Manhood, Our Godly Identity in Jesus?” or even "What compromises have I made in my life in order to not 'rock the boat'?" If you do not know the answers, ask those you trust- and listen well.

The answers will reveal the very areas that hold us captive to a life that is far less satisfying than the one we want. Then ask God for the strength to do what is right and honorable. There will be blessing as freedom as you forge ahead in his strength.