"You can't measure manhood with a tape line around his biceps." Evangelist Billy Sunday
As men, we are robbed by valid images of manhood and transition to manhood by absentee men- unavailable fathers : Abusive or silent or emotionally detached, broken homes, consumed by career, etc.
We are also robbed by the deterioration of an extended family. There's a glaring lack of uncles, grandfathers, older brothers and other kinds of men that would be mentors. No, the answer isn't to replace men with women. That's a mistake. It's for men to take their proper place by investing in their families, communities, the places they live, work, and serve.
Distorted ideas of Real Men.
Dude looks like a lady.
The media is still trying desperately to change the definition of a man.
Both in Reel and in Real life. We've got the bumbling dad who knows nothing. This seemed to be started in our generation by the television show “Home Improvement”. Then add in the nontraditional families in our society, including gang life. Thankfully, there's some pushback to the feminized version of men... and there's pushback to the "toxic male" stereotype as well.
On the other end, we have the "Superstar Men", athletes, rock stars, business moguls, that present a very small percentage of men but are portrayed as something we all must aspire to. Equally ugly and unattainable. Unless you are constantly focused on what a real man is as defined by Our Creator, you will constantly be left feeling inadequate and maybe even unmotivated to stay the course.
In the modernized Western world, we have all but removed any sense of ceremony or task completion to mark the transition of a child to a man. That does not mean it is no longer important.
I say begin your own! In our family, on the 13th birthday of each of our children (we had 2 boys and 2 girls), we gathered with significant people in their lives of the same gender, allowing them to speak encouraging words to them, challenge them, and then in the Christian tradition, pray over them.
So, I have some questions for you to consider:
• When Did You Realize You Were A Man?
• What Steps Seemed Most Significant in your Quest for Manhood?
• Who Told You That You Were A Man?
Are our wives, children, and friends asking the same questions about us? They might be.
We might be asking ourselves (a I have often)- "Have I created a hole so deep by just surviving that I'm afraid to take those drastic steps toward health?
Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinketh within himself, so is he." (American Standard Version)
We can't be all God has for us without allowing Him to continue his work in us. He has to change us- and when He changes us, it is always for the good. Why? God Himself is the definition of what is good.
Where We Can Get Stuck
“In secure possession of their gender identity, the great majority of men moved from the chest, as it were, out of hearts freed from the Legalisms of Childhood, the Narcissisms of Adolescence, or the Perfectionisms of an Adulthood spent futilely seeking self acceptance (or even the affirmation of parents).”
Leeann Payne, Crisis in Masculinity; page 13
Question: Let’s look at these and see if we find ourselves here in one spot or in many…Again, from Leeann Payne:
“In secure possession of their gender identity, the great majority of men moved from the chest, as it were, out of hearts freed from the Legalisms of Childhood, the Narcissisms of Adolescence, or the Perfectionisms of an Adulthood spent futilely seeking self acceptance (or even the affirmation of parents).”
Leeann Payne, Crisis in Masculinity; page 13
Question: Let’s look at these and see if we find ourselves here in one spot or in many…Again, from Leeann Payne:
“Legalisms of Childhood”
This may be best represented by Pharisees- the other end from Hedonism. Telling others what to do and how to do it- setting themselves up as an example. There's a list of Do’s and Don’ts, Shoulds and Shouldn’ts. It is performance driven and oriented. “Fair” is a big deal, “The Way Things Should Be”. With this, our lives are under expectations, judgments, and curses. Those who follow this way of living tend to do the same to others. Roles are important, so relationships may be difficult. All this may tend toward a joyless life
Galatians 3:3
"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" (NIV)
“Narcissisms of Adolescence ”
This may be best represented by Samson. He was a slave to passion with a lack of self-control and a huge ego. He was under a Nazarite vow to control the carnal nature but indulged it with his relationships with Philistine women. And it led to disaster. Every time we follow our sexual lusts, we are headed for disaster. It's all about my needs and wants, my time, my interests, my hobbies- “It’s All About Me”, “What’s in it for me?” Because of this mindset, men in this direction tend to reject structures and standards that benefit the common good. No one wins. Commitment may be a one way street; Relationships are probably many but may be shallow. This man fears growing up and taking responsibility. May tend toward living life through his children. He's probably ver vulnerable to addictions.
Ephesians 4:22-24
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." (NIV)
“Perfectionisms of Adulthood ”
The strive to be perfect is a trap as well! This may be best represented by King Saul, the Apostle Peter, and the Pharisees. There's a high need to prove authority and position. Image and control are very important. This man will use words and actions to manipulate people to get what he wants. He's performance oriented and passes it on to others, making him an easy target for “secret sin”.
Philippians 2:2-4
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (NIV)
"The Narcissisms of Adolescence"
These guys make fear based decisions and actions (or lack of action!).
It's mostly self-focused. Very difficult to think of or bless others. They can be emotionally inattentive to primary relationships. This man has difficulty focusing on God’s hand of blessing in their lives. He may often compensate for something lost or something never gained. For those of us married, we can turn “true godly leadership through servanthhood” over to our wives, leaving them burdened, confused and hurting. Those of us with children can leave them confused, too.
This may be best represented by Pharisees- the other end from Hedonism. Telling others what to do and how to do it- setting themselves up as an example. There's a list of Do’s and Don’ts, Shoulds and Shouldn’ts. It is performance driven and oriented. “Fair” is a big deal, “The Way Things Should Be”. With this, our lives are under expectations, judgments, and curses. Those who follow this way of living tend to do the same to others. Roles are important, so relationships may be difficult. All this may tend toward a joyless life
Galatians 3:3
"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" (NIV)
“Narcissisms of Adolescence ”
This may be best represented by Samson. He was a slave to passion with a lack of self-control and a huge ego. He was under a Nazarite vow to control the carnal nature but indulged it with his relationships with Philistine women. And it led to disaster. Every time we follow our sexual lusts, we are headed for disaster. It's all about my needs and wants, my time, my interests, my hobbies- “It’s All About Me”, “What’s in it for me?” Because of this mindset, men in this direction tend to reject structures and standards that benefit the common good. No one wins. Commitment may be a one way street; Relationships are probably many but may be shallow. This man fears growing up and taking responsibility. May tend toward living life through his children. He's probably ver vulnerable to addictions.
Ephesians 4:22-24
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." (NIV)
The strive to be perfect is a trap as well! This may be best represented by King Saul, the Apostle Peter, and the Pharisees. There's a high need to prove authority and position. Image and control are very important. This man will use words and actions to manipulate people to get what he wants. He's performance oriented and passes it on to others, making him an easy target for “secret sin”.
Philippians 2:2-4
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (NIV)
"The Narcissisms of Adolescence"
These guys make fear based decisions and actions (or lack of action!).
It's mostly self-focused. Very difficult to think of or bless others. They can be emotionally inattentive to primary relationships. This man has difficulty focusing on God’s hand of blessing in their lives. He may often compensate for something lost or something never gained. For those of us married, we can turn “true godly leadership through servanthhood” over to our wives, leaving them burdened, confused and hurting. Those of us with children can leave them confused, too.
Ultimately, there's confusion about who we are as men. We have good intentions and can try to live lives that please God, but the truth is, we cannot fully bless others until we see how God has blessed us!
He dealt with the same temptations as us (Hebrews 4:15). He took significant steps to Manhood. For Jesus, this probably first happened at 12 years old when he went with his parents to Jerusalem at Passover and was later found in the temple. (Luke 2:41-52) There was verbal affirmation from other men (vs. 47). His parents saw him with “new eyes” (vs. 48). There was a process of growth and change (vs. 52).
Just look at what happened at his baptism- Matthew 3:13-17
"Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John. But John tried to deter him, saying, "I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?" Jesus replied, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness." Then John consented. As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."
Jesus took ownership of what was right (vs. 15). He was affirmed by the Father.
Jesus was tempted! Let's look at Matthew 4:1-11:
"Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written:
"'He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'"
Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"
Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."
Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'"
Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him." (NIV)
Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."
Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'"
Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him." (NIV)
Notice twice Satan says “If you are the Son of God…” questioning his identity in the Father. When Jesus doesn’t cave in, Satan offers him all the world has in exchange for His True Identity
Our Sonship, Our Manhood, Our Identity
Galatians 3:26-29
"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise."
The same experience as with Jesus will happen to us if we choose to live in the freedom and fullness we have in Jesus, if we follow God's ways as outlined in the Bible. We will be questioned by others our identity in Christ as sons of God. And we will sometimes question ourselves about our identity in Christ. Our enemy, Satan, through the ways of the world, will offer whatever he can in exchange for our Manhood, our True Identity! His offers will become available to us as we make choices along the way toward whatever we place before God, thereby setting our hearts up for deceit. It would be easy to stop here and ask the questions such as “What have we exchanged for our True Manhood, Our Godly Identity in Jesus?” But we know in all things, God's Word is true and His ways are best!
"So be strong, show yourself a man, and observe what the LORD your God requires: Walk in his ways, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go…" ( I Kings 2:1-3)
Our Sonship, Our Manhood, Our Identity
Galatians 3:26-29
"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise."
The same experience as with Jesus will happen to us if we choose to live in the freedom and fullness we have in Jesus, if we follow God's ways as outlined in the Bible. We will be questioned by others our identity in Christ as sons of God. And we will sometimes question ourselves about our identity in Christ. Our enemy, Satan, through the ways of the world, will offer whatever he can in exchange for our Manhood, our True Identity! His offers will become available to us as we make choices along the way toward whatever we place before God, thereby setting our hearts up for deceit. It would be easy to stop here and ask the questions such as “What have we exchanged for our True Manhood, Our Godly Identity in Jesus?” But we know in all things, God's Word is true and His ways are best!
"So be strong, show yourself a man, and observe what the LORD your God requires: Walk in his ways, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go…" ( I Kings 2:1-3)
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