Who Told You That You Were A Man?

In the last several years, men have had a hard time getting any respect in our society. Even good men. Granted, there's been some pretty strong reasons for this. Namely a combination of men who abandon their women, families, and responsibilities for "freedom" and those in leadership positions who abuse their power for personal gain- sexual or otherwise. It happens just about everywhere you can imagine: political gatherings, boardrooms, movie studios, classrooms, living rooms, churches, and every conceivable place where people gather. 

Women are rightfully fed up with it all, and they have most often have pushed to remove many men (including those not involved in abusive activities) from these positions rather than choosing to challenge and invest in making males better people. Replacing men with women is not the answer. Both genders and people from all cultures and backgrounds are prone to selfishness, hate, greed, abandonment, and predatory natures. 

Although what I'm going to share today is not new, I am challenged by the material. The work will be yours and God’s to figure out how to step forward into wholeness. It's a process I plan to be in the middle of until the day I die.

"You can't measure manhood with a tape line around his biceps." Evangelist Billy Sunday

We Are Left Confused.

As men, we are robbed by valid images of manhood and transition to manhood by absentee men- unavailable fathers : Abusive or silent or emotionally detached, broken homes, consumed by career, etc. 

We are also robbed by the deterioration of an extended family. There's a glaring lack of uncles, grandfathers, older brothers and other kinds of men that would be mentors. No, the answer isn't to replace men with women. That's a mistake. It's for men to take their proper place by investing in their families, communities, the places they live, work, and serve.

Dude looks like a lady. 

Distorted ideas of Real Men. 

The media is still trying desperately to change the definition of a man. 

Both in Reel and in Real life. We've got the bumbling dad who knows nothing. This seemed to be started in our generation by the television show “Home Improvement”. Then add in the nontraditional families in our society, including gang life. Thankfully, there's some pushback to the feminized version of men... and there's pushback to the "toxic male" stereotype as well. 

On the other end, we have the "Superstar Men", athletes, rock stars, business moguls, that present a very small percentage of men but are portrayed as something we all must aspire to. Equally ugly and unattainable. Unless you are constantly focused on what a real man is as defined by Our Creator, you will constantly be left feeling inadequate and maybe even unmotivated to stay the course.

Lack of Cultural Traditions.

In the modernized Western world, we have all but removed any sense of ceremony or task completion to mark the transition of a child to a man.  That does not mean it is no longer important.

I say begin your own! In our family, on the 13th birthday of each of our children (we had 2 boys and 2 girls), we gathered with significant people in their lives of the same gender, allowing them to speak encouraging words to them, challenge them, and then in the Christian tradition, pray over them.  

So, I have some questions for you to consider:

• When Did You Realize You Were A Man?
• What Steps Seemed Most Significant in your Quest for Manhood?
• Who Told You That You Were A Man?

Are our wives, children, and friends asking the same questions about us? They might be.

We might be asking ourselves (a I have often)- "Have I created a hole so deep by just surviving that I'm afraid to take those drastic steps toward health? 

Proverbs 23:7 says,  "For as he thinketh within himself, so is he."  (American Standard Version)

We can't be all God has for us without allowing Him to continue his work in us. He has to change us- and when He changes us, it is always for the good. Why? God Himself is the definition of what is good. 

Where We Can Get Stuck                                                          

“In secure possession of their gender identity, the great majority of men moved from the chest, as it were, out of hearts freed from the Legalisms of Childhood,  the Narcissisms of Adolescence, or the Perfectionisms of an Adulthood spent futilely seeking self acceptance (or even the affirmation of parents).”
Leeann Payne, Crisis in Masculinity;  page 13

Question:  Let’s look at these and see if we find ourselves here in one spot or in many…Again, from Leeann Payne:

 “Legalisms of Childhood”

This may be best represented by Pharisees- the other end from Hedonism. Telling others what to do and how to do it- setting themselves up as an example. There's a list of Do’s and Don’ts, Shoulds and Shouldn’ts. It is performance driven and oriented. “Fair” is a big deal, “The Way Things Should Be”. With this, our lives are under expectations, judgments, and curses. Those who follow this way of living tend to do the same to others. Roles are important, so relationships may be difficult. All this may tend toward a joyless life

Galatians 3:3
"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?"  (NIV)

“Narcissisms of Adolescence ”

This may be best represented by Samson. He was a slave to passion with a lack of self-control and a huge ego.  He was under a Nazarite vow to control the carnal nature but indulged it with his relationships with Philistine women. And it led to disaster. Every time we follow our sexual lusts, we are headed for disaster. It's all about my needs and wants, my time, my interests, my hobbies- “It’s All About Me”, “What’s in it for me?” Because of this mindset, men in this direction tend to reject structures and standards that benefit the common good. No one wins.  Commitment may be a one way street; Relationships are probably many but may be shallow. This man fears growing up and taking responsibility.  May tend toward living life through his children. He's probably ver vulnerable to addictions.

Ephesians 4:22-24
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."  (NIV)

“Perfectionisms of Adulthood ”

The strive to be perfect is a trap as well! This may be best represented by King Saul, the Apostle Peter, and the Pharisees. There's a  high need to prove authority and position. Image and control are very important. This man will use words and actions to manipulate people to get what he wants. He's performance oriented and passes it on to others, making him an easy target for “secret sin”.

Philippians 2:2-4
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (NIV)

"The Narcissisms of Adolescence"

These guys make fear based decisions and actions (or lack of action!).
It's mostly self-focused. Very difficult to think of or bless others. They can be emotionally inattentive to primary relationships. This man has difficulty focusing on God’s hand of blessing in their lives. He may often compensate for something lost or something never gained. For those of us married, we can turn “true godly leadership through servanthhood” over to our wives, leaving them burdened, confused and hurting. Those of us with children can leave them confused, too.

Ultimately, there's confusion about who we are as men. We have good intentions and can try to live lives that please God, but the truth is, we cannot fully bless others until we see how God has blessed us!  

 Jesus as Our Model of Manhood

He dealt with the same temptations as us (Hebrews 4:15). He took significant steps to Manhood.  For Jesus, this probably first happened at 12 years old when he went with his parents to Jerusalem at Passover and was later found in the temple. (Luke 2:41-52) There was verbal affirmation from other men (vs. 47). His parents saw him with “new eyes” (vs. 48). There was a process of growth and change (vs. 52). 

Just look at what happened at his baptism-  Matthew 3:13-17
"Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John. But John tried to deter him, saying, "I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?" Jesus replied, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness." Then John consented. As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."

Jesus took ownership of what was right (vs. 15). He was affirmed by the Father. 

Jesus was tempted! Let's look at Matthew 4:1-11:
 
"Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil.  After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: 

"'He will command his angels concerning you, 
and they will lift you up in their hands, 
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'" 

Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'" 

Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me." 

Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'" 

Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him."   (NIV)  

Notice twice Satan says “If you are the Son of God…” questioning his identity in the Father. When Jesus doesn’t cave in, Satan offers him all the world has in exchange for His True Identity

Our Sonship, Our Manhood, Our Identity

Galatians 3:26-29
"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.  There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise." 

The same experience as with Jesus will happen to us if we choose to live in the freedom and fullness we have in Jesus, if we follow God's ways as outlined in the Bible. We will be questioned by others our identity in Christ as sons of God. And we will sometimes question ourselves about our identity in Christ. Our enemy, Satan, through the ways of the world, will offer whatever he can in exchange for our Manhood, our True Identity! His offers will become available to us as we make choices along the way toward whatever we place before God, thereby setting our hearts up for deceit. It would be easy to stop here and ask the questions such as “What have we exchanged for our True Manhood, Our Godly Identity in Jesus?” But we know in all things, God's Word is true and His ways are best! 

"So be strong, show yourself a man, and observe what the LORD your God requires: Walk in his ways, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go…" ( I Kings 2:1-3)

Male Ambiguity 2

Although last week's humorous post on Male Ambiguity pointed to something really funny about us men, the truth is there are many reasons for us to be confused about what it means to be a man. And that is no laughing matter! Most men, me included, spend a good amount of time trying to discover just what it means to be male in our world, and with that, why it seems so important to us to make an impact while we are here on earth.

Why does this process take longer than it should? Let me throw out a few thoughts for your consideration:

We are robbed by valid images of manhood and the transition to manhood by absentee man and unavailable fathers. Here's some examples- Abusive or silent or emotionally detached dads, broken homes caused by divorce or single mother homes, men consumed by career, etc. All these contribute to young boys being left to fend for themselves as they mature.

There is also a deterioration of extended family. In many cultures, extended family by necessity must live together. Or they live or work close by. In the United States, we are a much more mobile society, one where it is common to move to support a career change or advancement. It's probably now less common to stay rooted in one place! Therefore, there is a lack of real relationships with uncles, grandfathers, older brothers and other men to build networks of friendship and support.

Even under the best circumstances, we men also have to deal with unhealthy and unrealistic views of what constitutes a man! Distorted ideas of "real men" from the media (in both Reel and in Real life) leave us in a state of confusion. It seems the media presents only three acceptable scenarios for us to model ourselves after when in fact, there is much diversity in our roles and function and personality from a Biblical standpoint.

The media scenarios seem to be found in Option One- nontraditional families: gang life, prison life, or teen family “groupings” where mature adult men are not present. Option Two is the "Bumbling Dad". This one has been around for awhile. From Ozzie Nelson is the 1960s on to the terrific Tim Allen (the voice of Buzz Lightyear) as the well meaning father of “Home Improvement", men are presented as absorbed by sports and cars and alcohol, oblivious to other aspects of life. Currently, the American television show "Two and a Half Men" with Charlie Sheen throws in a curve: a trio of men from one family bond together as they try to figure out life without women.

Lastly, Option Three is the Superstar Man. The media and the public love these athletes, rock stars, and movie and reality television stars. Their exploits have become fodder for watercooler discussion and sell many newspapers and magazines, but unfortunately they are for the most part, poor role models for the real world most of us inhabit.

All said, absentee men and media misrepresentation of what constitutes a man makes things tough. It gets worse. The process is complicated even more by our lack of cultural traditions- ie. Ceremony and Task Completion. This leaves young men in an entirely different place than our ancestors of old. Could this be why gang initiation powerfully draws our young men?

Let me toss you a few questions to consider:
• When Did You Realize You Were A Man?
• What Steps Seemed Most Significant in your Quest for Manhood?
• And maybe most importantly, Who Told You That You Were A Man?

Ponder the answers to these questions and watch for additional posts on this subject matter. For the sake of your future and for those of you with children, for their sake, let's together consider who we are and where we are headed. We will impact our world. The question is "How will we impact our world?"